management corporate rescue advanced program due to financial situation

Dear Staff, 

Due to the current financial situation caused by the worldwide slowdown of economies, since the being of 2008, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 30 plus years of age on early retirement. 

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retiring Appropriate People Early). People selected for RAPE can also apply to management for eligibility in SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). People who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Systematic Coursing Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. 

People who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously people who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management. 

People staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please apply for CRAP (Corporate Rescue - Advanced Program). 

Our Management has been trained to give you all the CRAP you may require to excel. 

Yours Sincerely, 
The Management